You know you wish you were me Read online

  “Today was going so well. The pitch, I wish you could have seen them Hana, they loved it. They loved me and I did really really well. Everything is going so well right now,” Olivia says, trying to not to cry.

  Hana nods, thinking she could say something about the baby now.

  “I was talking to this woman on the plane on the way up. She was our age and I don’t know, I was chatty, hyped up a little thinking about my presentation.”

  Olivia slumps her shoulders and speaks slowly. Her dress shirt is open at the neck revealing her collarbone and a little bit of her black bra. Hana wants to reach in and caress her neck, but doesn’t.

  “We started talking about ourselves, you know, small talk and I mentioned Evee and you and I told her about Templeton, the whole situation. I went on a little bit, I guess. When I looked up at her, she had this look on her face like I had punched her. I almost laughed. I was surprised, you know. I guess I don’t talk about us to total strangers very often and I forget how different they think we are. I know we’re not a nuclear family. To some people, we’re like nuclear fall out, toxic waste. So I was looking at this woman, and thinking about how moments before she was telling me that she was single, and hadn’t found the right man and wanted a family, blah blah blah,” Olivia’s speech has quickened. “She looked so ugly to me all of a sudden. Where before I felt sorry for her, right then I just wanted to yell at her and say ‘you know you wish you were me lady. You know you wish you had what I have because it’s the best. What I have is wonderful.’”

  Hana smiles and watches Olivia stand up and brush the dust and fuzz off of her black skirt.

  “I have to call Templeton. Where’s the phone?” She says as she rushes out of the bathroom and into the living room. Hana follows her and watches as she picks up the phone and dials. She makes a mistake and hangs up, picks the phone back up and dials again. Hana can see her fingers are shaking. She makes another mistake and shakes the phone.

  “This is ridiculous,” she laughs.

  “Olivia, I can do that.”

  “Shhhh,” Olivia shakes her hand at Hana. Hana can tell she’s managed to dial the whole number this time.

  “Evee’s gone,” are the only words Olivia can manage before she starts sobbing into the phone and hands the phone to Hana.

  “Hi,” Hana says.

  “Hana, are you OK?” Templeton asks quickly.

  “I should have called you sooner. Evee’s been missing since yesterday.”

  “I know, the police were here for a while. I think they thought I could have… I don’t know, I guess they have to check everything out.”

  “They are useless.”

  “Don’t say that Hana,” Olivia yells as she paces behind the couch, ripping up a tissue. The angry look on Olivia’s face bothers Hana, she turns and looks out the window onto the street and the neighbors’ houses.

  Templeton talks about the police at his house, asking questions about where he was, what he was doing how he feels about his daughter being raised by two women.

  “They are pretty useless, Hana, but don’t tell Olivia I said so,” he says.

  “They’re all we’ve got though,” Hana says as she looks out onto their street from the front window.

  It is dark outside, after midnight. She looks at all of the dark windows in the other houses. Families keep so many secrets behind dark windows. It’s the only way to keep going forward, she thinks. It’s the only way to get anywhere in life. Family secrets aren’t for public consumption. People would laugh at whatever is exposed because, no doubt, they’ve got something far worse behind their dark windows.

  “Oh my god. This is a nightmare. I haven’t called because the police told me not to. I’ve been so worried. Do you want me to come there?” Templeton says.

  Hana wants him to come, so badly. Hana hears a sharp intake of breath and knows if he isn’t smoking one already, Templeton is reaching for a cigarette.

  “Wait, Hana, the pregnancy test. Have you taken it?”

  Olivia grabs the phone away from Hana.

  “Templeton I don’t understand.”

  Hana goes into the office and sits in the dark, cool space listening to Olivia’s voice. She shuts the door. She can’t see anything. She is glad to be alone in the small room.

  She was so sure she would feel better when Olivia got home. Sure Olivia would take charge and say the right things, as usual. She hasn’t though, she’s just as helpless. Hana feels better and worse at the same time and she can’t understand why. She can’t understand how it is possible to feel any relief in this situation. Her daughter is out of her reach. Hidden away and she hasn’t been able to do anything to help her and part of her is glad Olivia is just as helpless, glad she hasn’t failed again and her partner, the other mother is searching for answers as well.

  The door to the office opens and light pour in from the rest of the house. Hana is sitting in her sweatpants, bare feet and a sweatshirt staring at Olivia.

  She can see Olivia clearly for the first time since she came home tonight. Her hair is a mess. Usually parted down the side and sharply angled to the left side of her face, is it messy now from Olivia’s hands constantly pulling it back. Despite her efforts to wipe it off, there is still a lot of orange fuzz on her $500 skirt. She has undone most of the buttons on her untucked silk top and she has no makeup on. She looks like she’s woken up drunk on the floor of someone else’s house. Hana would laugh right now if everything wasn’t so fragile. She would laugh because this look of Olivia’s would be a good costume for a party.

  “What are you doing?” Olivia says quietly.

  “Did you have a good talk to Templeton?”

  “We can’t just keep talking and talking. We have to do something, Hana,” Olivia shakes her head. “What are we going to do?”

  “Can your boss help us?” The words flew out before Hana could stop them. Olivia’s eyes widen then she turns around and runs back to the living room. Hana had thought of asking Olivia’s boss for help earlier, but didn’t want to do anything until Olivia came home. Then she forgot the idea until just now.

  “Oh thank you thank you thank you. OK, we’ll be ready,” Hana heard Olivia say from the living room.

  ******

  SIX

  Olivia had warned Hana that a lot of people would show up. For some reason, Hana limited had her imagination and pictured 15 maybe 20 people standing quietly outside of the yellow tape.

  Not much different than what it had been like since the neighbors found out what happened. They had been meeting outside off and on, standing in groups and staring into their house.

  They’ve looked so frightened, gathered out there with their arms folded. One parent watches their house, and the other stays inside with the kids. There have been people she has never met and others she knows quite well. They have assembled and dispersed, shoulders hunched, hands in front of their mouths as they talked to each other and shook their heads. Hana hasn’t spoken to any of them. What would she say? I’m sorry. I apologize for the inconvenience, we are doing everything we can to resolve the situation. No, this isn’t anything she can explain. This isn’t a busted water main or a power outage. This is a crime in their front yard. A devastating crime and it happened on their perfect street in her perfect home to her perfect family.

  Sleep did not happen last night. The house was busy. At about 3am a tall and stern marketing genius from Olivia’s company came by and the three of them wrote a press release. Hana felt like the two women, the experts, dismissed her suggestions, even her descriptions of Evee. Mostly she made coffee and nodded a lot.

  She felt more and more that she was melting into the background of the house and hardly distinguishable from an old chair or a closet door.

  At 5am the publicity twins showed up. Olivia had showered and was in her best suit, the black one with the embroidery on the collar.

  “You can’t wear that,” the shorter guy said as the taller one shook his head. “You don’t have any mo
ney, this is not about money, remember. This is about pain. Wear something less nice.”

  “Oh, of course, you’re right.” Olivia nodded and ran back into the bedroom. The boys started talking about the script.

  “She shouldn’t cry…”

  “Are you crazy, this is all about crying.”

  Olivia rushed back into the room. She had totally transformed from executive to suburban mom. She was wearing the cream cardigan Carol had bought her a couple of years ago with a light purple cotton top underneath and jeans.

  Great, much better the boys said.

  “What about Hana?” Olivia asked.

  The twins looked at each other. Their mouths were open. The shorter one put his right hand out like he was holding a platter on which his words were placed with a nice sweet piece of chocolate to soften the sting.

  “I’m not sure you two should appear on camera together?”

  “What? Are you serious?”

  “We are trying to gain sympathy, or empathy or whatever. We might lose some of that if people see two women up there when they expect a normal, I mean you know mommy daddy situation. I’m sorry, I’m just trying to get this perfect for you guys.”

  “Hana, are you OK with this?” Olivia voice was using the same voice Evee’s does when she really wants something. Greed and sorrow all wrapped into one whiny tone.

  “Anything, anything.” Hana nodded even though she felt hurt and excluded, she did not fight. Anything that would help get Evee back was OK. She just wants everything to fit back into place before the house and her life falls apart. “I’m the cook or something.”

  “A family friend,” the taller one said. Hana wanted to punch him.

  Now, in the shower, her body tenses when she thinks about the cop from the other day.

  We’ll handle this with the family.

  Even though she won’t be appearing on camera, she wants to look like she is together. So she changes into her best jeans and the black V-neck sweater Olivia bought her last year. It’s the nicest thing she has.

  The press release worked because there are five news vans on the street outside of the house and about 40 people in the front yard.

  Olivia’s eyes are dark with exhaustion. She drank two strong cocktails around four in the morning. Hana had tried to mix them herself. The police asked them not to drink at all, to remain coherent for Evee. Hana wouldn’t have made them with as much alcohol as Olivia had.

  Olivia is in her makeup smock getting ready for the bright lights as if it was just another rushed morning.

  Muted colors the twins had told her, nothing to make you glamorous, we don’t want anyone saying, her daughter’s been kidnapped and she had time to put on makeup.

  “Good luck babe,” she says, placing her hand on the small of Olivia’s back and kissing an exposed part of her neck. Olivia turns around with her eye shadow and lipstick in her hands and hugs Hana.

  “You know I love you very much,” Olivia says quietly in her ear.

  Olivia squeezes Hana tightly.

  “You are Evee’s mother just as much as me. This doesn’t change that.”

  Hana lets go of Olivia. “It just hides it,” she says.

  ******

  SEVEN

  Hana makes Olivia some oatmeal. Olivia tries to eat, but begins to sob and can’t swallow. Olivia cries like a child. Carol holds her close.

  Hana sees the two women in front of her, but feels like she is watching a movie. She is sitting on the edge of the bed. She has no energy to move. No desire to comfort. Hana doesn’t want to be alone, but looking at Olivia and Carol curled up in bed isn’t helping her feel any better.

  It is dark again.

  The day is a blur. First, the TV cameras and questions, the crying. Then the helicopter search Olivia’s boss organized. Hana hates heights, but she had to go. She had to participate in something.

  As the press conference ended, a reporter approached Hana and asked her point blank if she was Olivia’s partner. Hana couldn’t lie. She nodded. The woman said she wouldn’t write anything because she felt it would hurt them more than help.

  “Maybe after, I mean later I could come back and talk to you both,” she was smiling and Hana disliked her immediately.

  “What do you mean?” Hana asked.

  “I write for a gay magazine sometimes. It’s an interesting angle,” the woman said, still smiling.

  “No,” Hana said and turned around, dizzy with anger. There were still reporters and lights and people all over the yard. She went into the house, to the dark office and shut the door.

  Now, again it is just them in the dark house that has felt so cold since Evee went missing.

  Nothing has changed. Olivia was so sure the media coverage would help. So sure Evee would be home by now. They still know nothing.

  Nothing is the worst thing right now.

  “I’m going to take a walk,” Hana says to Olivia and Carol as she leaves the room and shuts the door.

  As she puts on her jacket, the cop on the front porch tells his partner is just leaving to do another search and that she could go with him. She does.

  The idea of Evee being taken somewhere dark and cold makes her hurry to the police car, but the thought also makes her want to go to sleep and wake up in a different reality.

  The cop doesn’t talk, which she is happy about. She sits in the front seat. The car is not marked, just another sedan driving around the worst places in the city.

  They drive around and shine their flashlights in alleys behind isolated shops and abandoned buildings. She doesn’t want to see these places, but she needs to.

  The first time she came to this place, Olivia’s hometown, she didn’t like it. She thought the houses looked too alike and it reminded her of where she had grown up, which was disappointing because she had spent all those years waiting to get out.

  It hadn’t been a bad place to live until now. Nothing bad had ever happened to them here. Despite her fears of living in suburbia, most people they met had been friendly and normal.

  Carol had already offered them the house if they decided they wanted to move some place “slower, quieter, closer”. Hana added “whiter”, and as they drove into the street where they now live, she sighed quietly and gripped the steering wheel for strength to survive whatever may lie ahead.

  Before they had unpacked the car, Carol had started her sales pitch. She spoke at length about the new café run by a gay couple and that there were several lesbian couples within walking distance from the house. She listed off names and a detailed history of what seemed like every encounter she had had with a homosexual within a two mile radius. Her dentist, the father of paper delivery girl, the cute boy at the grocery store who she lets help her out of the store every time because she knows he likes talking to her.

  “Poor thing’s mother came to a PFLAG meeting and couldn’t even finish a cookie. Her face was red and she said some pretty nasty things to us. I was so upset. Usually when something like that happens, I’m the first one to follow them out into the hallway and tell them a thing or two about parenting. Oh but this time I was so livid that I looked right over at Joyce, you remember her don’t you Olivia baby? Nice woman. Her son had the AIDS scare last year. Everything’s fine. Fine. Joyce was gone for a good ten minutes before she came back in shaking her head. That mother would not budge. All fire and brimstone. But, you know what Hana darling, I say if you rattle someone up that bad, maybe it’ll shake loose some of those beliefs they’ve been clinging to for so long and let some air in that stinky old place they call a heart.”

  Hana let Carol look at her and compliment her on her good manners and her dark hair. She smiled as Carol giggled with excitement while talking about her grandchild and how she thought it was the most exciting thing that the two of them were going to have this baby together.

  Hana’s apprehension softened a bit as she realized she wasn’t going to be challenged by this woman. There were no games being played.

  Afte
r lunch Hana watched Carol and Olivia through the kitchen window as she sat at the table in the backyard of Carol’s house.

  The two women’s hands moved as if they were communicating in some primitive sign language. Hana laughed as she took another sip of Carol’s lemonade. Things were good, she thought.

  Carol and Olivia were gesturing toward her. Hana wondered why they would be discussing the grocery list so vigorously. It was just dinner.

  Then Olivia came out and sat next to Hana. She looked tired. Hana got up to help her, but there was nothing she could help her with. Olivia started tapping her fingernails on the weathered wooden table.

  “Mom’s got an appointment she forgot to tell us about and her knee is still pretty sore from the fall,” Olivia caught her head in her left hand and rubbed her scalp. “I’m tired.”

  “Well, I’ll go to the market with her, and the appointment.” Hana didn’t want to leave the comfort of the warm backyard, but thought it was her duty to help.

  “Really?” Olivia looked relieved.

  “Yeah, you rest. We’ll make something easy for dinner.”

  “You are wonderful,” Olivia said as she leaned over and kissed Hana.

  Hana enjoyed hanging out with Carol. She talked a lot. A lot. She repeated herself constantly, so Hana found she could zone out once in a while, and when she tuned back in, could still follow the path of whatever story Carol was telling.

  Carol introduced Hana around at the veggie market. My new daughter in law. The mother of my grandchild. Olivia’s true love. Hana hung back after a while, weary of the attention she was getting from the strangers, which wasn’t all positive.

  She carried the fruit and vegetables and felt good doing family stuff. She was helping her “mother in law” as Carol told her to call her.

  On the way to the appointment, Carol was walking so quickly, Hana had to pick up her pace to keep up.

  “I’m late, Hana, sorry. We have to hurry.” Carol, was wobbly, but despite her bad knee, she was walking faster than anyone around her.