You know you wish you were me Read online

  Growing up she lived with her father in a small, cold, two-bedroom house. He owned his own plumbing business and was a workaholic and a control freak who insisted on hanging over the shoulder of every employee he had. He experienced an incredibly high turnover rate. He was good and thorough, he was in high demand so work kept him away from home most days and evenings.

  For her 12th birthday he gave her a book about the female body. On the inside of the cover he had written: This is a good manual for your body. I can’t answer all of your questions. Try here first, and if you can’t find it, maybe ask your aunt Trish. If she doesn’t know, try Dr. Stine. Pop

  Hana later understood why work kept him away from her so much. She has decided his neglect was a result of Joy taking off and leaving their child with him. Hana is convinced her father would have preferred it if Joy had stayed with him in the happily ever and that she had never been born.

  Everything Hana knew about her mom could be said in one breath. Her name was Joy Yamagata, she lived somewhere in Southern California, she had been interned with her family during WWII.

  Since she moved to the house with Olivia and Evee, flashes of her childhood had become more consistent and clear. She thought it might be the house’s layout as well as the routines she had reestablished in her life.

  When she was on her own at her father’s home, she was strict with herself. She heard on TV once that children need structure, need dinner at the same time everyday, need to go to bed before nine each night, play time, homework time and bath time. She made dinner, which was mostly macaroni and cheese and watched only an hour of TV each night, she did her homework and she played, sometimes with the cat and sometimes with a neighbor.

  One night she found her father home, unexpectedly and crying on the phone saying Hana’s mother’s name over and over while the dinner he had had been making became charcoal in the oven. He was in his chair with his head in his hand. He was sniffing and tears were falling from his eyes. Hana felt sorry for him. She remembers tears coming to her eyes and sadness in her stomach that made her feel sick.

  Hana thought Joy had died, but the conversation went on and she remembered that this had happened before. On that day she realized her mother could be reached by phone. She hadn’t thought of that possibility before. Sometimes she thinks she was a very naïve child. Other times she is easier on herself, at least she tries to be. Olivia says she has done well despite the being burdened with so much responsibility and emotionally neglected. Although, Hana knows Olivia is trying to be supportive, it just makes her feel like she was a stray animal. A stray, naïve animal.

  Over the years, each time she has thought of calling her mom, it was like a new idea. Something she had not tried yet, a new possibility. And every time she called her Joy, she hoped it would be different. But as she dialed the numbers, her stomach would tense up as if waiting to be punched.

  “Hello,” Joy would say and Hana would be surprised at the rough sound of her voice, not mean, just coarse, like sidewalk.

  “Hello, it’s Hana.”

  Then Joy would sigh, just the exhale, as if she had been holding her breath until that point.

  Hana rubbed her free hand on the carpet quickly until it burned a little. There was so much she needed to say at this point, but a very strong dam was blocking the words from coming out of her.

  “How are you?” Hana said.

  “I’m fine. Listen, this is a bad time,” Joy said.

  “Oh, sorry,” Hana paused and squeezed her eyes shut. “Can I come visit you sometime? I don’t have to stay with you, I mean, I have some money and Dad said he would lend me some. I think I have a friend who moved down there, I could stay with her. I thought maybe around Halloween. Do you like Halloween? Kind of stupid, I know. What do you think?”

  “Yes. Well, if you come down to visit your friend, maybe give me a call, otherwise I am busy most of the time. I have to go.”

  As Hana got older, Halloween was replaced by a report on how she was doing in school, or when she was angry once, she called Joy to tell her that she was a dyke and wanted to know how that made her feel. Joy responded the same way each time, with an affirmation and then a closer, someone was at the door, or the kettle was boiling or it was late, which sometimes it was. There was one year, the year Hana moved out of her dad’s house, that she called Joy more than six times.

  Often, when she gets the urge to call, Hana has to go to a lot of trouble to find Joy’s phone number. Either she ritualistically burns the piece of paper after calls or her mother has changed her number.

  After she moved in with Olivia, she felt so safe, that she called her mom one last time. She got the answering machine.

  Hana told her mother’s answering machine that she was happy for the first time in her life. She said all of the things she’d wanted to say in a real conversation with her mother. How she didn’t think it was fair that she had to grow up without knowing anything about who and where she came from. How she wanted to know her family. That it had been humiliating looking Japanese without being Japanese.

  She told her that she couldn’t understand why her mother didn’t want to know here, that she thought they could have a nice time together. She assured her mother’s answering machine that she wasn’t going to be angry anymore and in that moment she believed what she was saying.

  She was so secure in her new life, that she even left her phone number. After a month or so when she hadn’t heard anything from Joy, she felt angry again. And she started having bad thoughts again. Luckily, she allowed herself to get distracted by tasks and sometimes she could feel that the thoughts had less strength. Because she was part of a growing family, something big, thinking about all of the bad stuff made it softer in a way. It could dissolve into her body instead of hovering outside, threatening to interfere and ruin her life.

  Now something stronger and much more threatening than thought has interfered in their lives. There are police around and neighbors have started to linger outside of the yellow tape that has been put up in front of the house.

  “Olivia is on her way home. I spoke to her boss. He was very kind, very kind.” Carol had said as she paced in the living room earlier. Hana was on the couch with a cold cloth on her forehead.

  “I can’t just sit around,” Carol was angry again. She had oscillated from a teary heap to the height of anger all afternoon.

  She screamed “Bullshit, bullshit” when the police told them there was nothing either of them could do except wait. “Nothing? How can we do nothing? This is our family, this is our baby.”

  Then she left. She grabbed her purse and ran out the front door. Hana wanted to stop her, but then shut her mouth. She knew better than to try and talk Carol out of anything she wants to do and the same goes for Olivia. Once they decide something is going to go a certain way, nobody can change either of their minds. That’s how they got this house, Carol gave it to them.

  Olivia and Hana had been together less than three months and Olivia was newly pregnant. Neither had ever owned anything worth more than a thousand dollars, and instantly, with two signatures, they were the owners of a two and a half bedroom suburban home with a backyard and a garage.

  Hana cried when Carol handed her the key to the front door. Even though Hana had visited the house, which Carol and Olivia had lived in for years, she felt then that is was hers, theirs. A home.

  Hana doesn’t want to be left alone right now. The house is so empty and has been for days. It’s like the house had been preparing for this to happen. First Evee went to the babysitters they Olivia went on her work trip. The house felt dried out. But what about Hana? How come she hadn’t left as well? She had just been left.

  She feels selfish, feeling sorry for herself now and it would have been selfish if she had asked Carol not to go out searching. In fact, she should be out there as well. She should be looking, doing everything she can to find Evee, but she can’t. She tried earlier, but the size of out there is so big, it’s overwhelming her.
The house is safe. It is her safe place, no matter how empty it is right now.

  Two hours have passed since she heard Evee’s boots on the driveway.

  She is close. She is safe. Hana has been repeating these words over and over silently, afraid that if she says them out loud, like a birthday wish, they will not be true.

  She stares at a photo on the wall. She just picked it up from the mall a few days ago. It is encased in a cheap wooden frame that Olivia wanted. Hana had argued that it was a special picture and deserved a nicer frame, but finally let Olivia have her way.

  The guy taking the photos must have been family, or maybe he had a gay sibling or best friend. Usually they get quizzical looks, the three of them. Hana, who is asked at least once a month, “Where are you from?” is used to ignorance.

  They make a lot of assumptions. People think they are cousins or best friends, but never sisters, because how could an Asian woman and a white woman be sisters? And Evee, well she could belong to either of the two women or neither.

  This guy knew right away that the three of them were a family and helped them celebrate by taking wonderful photos. They were so elated after the experience that Olivia got him a bag of warm cookies from the cookie shop in the food court and bought the frame hoping he’d get extra commission.

  In the photo Evee is wearing her red cowgirl hat, the one she bought to match her boots. Her big smile dominates the picture. That is good, Hana thinks. She wants her daughter to stand out, especially in their family. She always knew the little girl would have a big presence. When she was a baby, Evee was quite content sitting up on the couch watching her parents move around the house. She would follow them with her eyes and often throw up her arms and speak loudly, gurgling something that Hana interpreted as I’m here mamas, let’s take care of each other.

  Wherever Evee is at the moment, Hana has to believe she is all right.

  She is close. She is safe.

  When Olivia, Evee, Carol and Hana are here together there is always someone laughing and someone smiling. They are a good family. Hana is frozen with fear of losing Evee, and then everybody else.

  Hana remembers the vodka from the freezer. Just one shot. It is cold and sharp and it works just enough to get her to the porch. Then she remembers the baby and runs back to the kitchen and quickly drinks glass after glass of water. How could she be so stupid?

  She was stupid with Manny. Stupid to have gone with him that day. Nothing happens in isolation. She hurt him and now, he has hurt her.

  Hana puts her hands over her eyes and presses to stop the tears. She has a baby growing inside of her. Will he take that away from her as well? Maybe not by force, but through this experience.

  Hana’s best memories are in this house. She became an adult here. Before here, her life was meaningless. She had no one counting on her. She took no risks. When she met Olivia it was like a door opening into a new world that was all ready for her to move into. It was all risk, all of the time and an opportunity much healthier than what she had with Manny. He knew it. Knew it was a great thing that Olivia was offering Hana. Even though he said it was bullshit, and that she was moving to the “fuckin whitewashed suburbs to join the fucking PTA.”

  Of course this was happening. In a way she has been expecting this perfect life to end one day and this, obviously, is the day. She has nowhere to go if she cannot live in this house, in this family.

  Her eyes ache.

  She can’t shake all of these bad feeling. She has lied to herself by selecting a suite of easy and nice memories to play over in her mind. Her life is not as easy as making lunches and watching Olivia get ready for work. Her life has been hard. Her years in this house have been nice and sweet.

  Memories from before are tinged with dark shadows. Shadows that slow her down. When she lets them play, these memories get stuck on repeat and she feels unable to move under their weight.

  Maybe she has never deserved nice and sweet. Safe. Happy.

  This house and the people who move through it, sleep in it and love here are perfect. She is not.

  ******

  FIVE

  At one in the morning, Olivia jumps out of a police car and runs up to the front door.

  Hana is standing at the front window and can see Olivia’s fear clearly as she steps into the house. Hana walks towards her and grabs her in a tight hug. Olivia holds Hana tightly as well.

  “I’m so glad you’re home,” Hana says.

  “Where is she? Please tell me you know where she is.”

  Hana squeezes Olivia tighter. She tries hard not to cry. Olivia pulls away from Hana and runs out of the living room. Hana can hear her in Evee’s room, sobbing loudly.

  Hana goes to the room and stands in the doorway. Olivia is sitting on the floor with Evee’s comforter bunched up in her arms.

  “I can’t stop crying. I want to, but I can’t. I’m so scared,” Olivia is holding the comforter tight to her chest. Her hair is messy and she looks like she has been awake for a week. Hana sits next to her on the floor.

  “You don’t have to stop crying,” Hana says.

  “But I do. If I want to think straight, I do,” Olivia says through sobs.

  Hana watches her cry and this almost makes her smile, because she knows this situation better now. Olivia is home and upset. This has context. She is no longer alone with all of this herself. Olivia is here and Hana can get busy making sure she is OK. She pulls Olivia into her arms and Olivia leans into her chest.

  “Why do you think Manny would do this?” Olivia said as she detaches from Hana’s arms and stares at her.

  “He just popped into my head.”

  “But why? It’s been so long since you’ve seen him,” Olivia has stopped crying and her face is becoming cold.

  “But the last time I saw him was pretty bad. I thought of him because I abandoned him. He said what we were doing wasn’t right and that nobody would accept us. Maybe he just got around to it. I don’t know. Please, I feel so guilty,” Hana tries not to give into her need for Olivia to care for her.

  “Don’t feel guilty, that does nothing,” Olivia’s voice is flat.

  “I wasn’t out there waiting for her. I heard her, Olivia, but I just stayed on the phone for a fucking parking ticket,” Hana says.

  Olivia leaves the room without saying anything.

  Hana feels a cold breeze as Olivia leaves her side. She knows Olivia is right, but she has no idea of what to do. The house has started to feel like a prison and the only place she wants to be. If she goes outside, she has no control of anything. In this space she has, at least, a little power. She can turn on the faucet, make a phone call, slam doors.

  She hears a thud and runs into the hallway. It came from the bathroom. She sees Olivia’s legs on the floor.

  “Are you OK?”

  Olivia says nothing. Hana goes into the bathroom and sits on the bathroom floor across from Olivia.

  Evee’s brown hairs are scattered around the unswept floor. Shiny and curly. She has been growing her hair long since she was six. She said she wanted braids and pigtails like a girl in her class. Olivia brushes Evee’s hair every night and braids it perfectly. It had surprised Hana that Olivia could braid hair so well.

  “Do you know how many girls asked me to braid their hair? It was a great way to get close to them. I got to rub their heads and touch their gorgeous hair and straddle them. What more could a teenage dyke want?”

  The towels, too many for a three person family, are stacked hanging from the rails. The orange one is Hana’s least favorite. She needs to get rid of it. She stands up and opens the drawer under the sink and tries to find the good scissors, but all she can find are the small nail scissors. She grabs at the towel and starts poking at it, wanting to cut big chunks out, but the scissors only poke unsatisfyingly at the bright, orange terrycloth. Small pieces fall to the floor around Olivia as the short scissor blades bend under the firm fabric.

  “Stop that,” Olivia says as she smacks at the
orange fuzz that has collected on her legs, her dark pantyhose.

  “I hate this thing, I always have” Hana says as she continues to cut.

  “Stop that right now!”

  “No, we’ll never throw it away.”

  Olivia tries to stand up but her foot slips on the fuzzy floor. Hana hears a whimper and looks down to see Olivia with her head in her hands. Hana puts the towel pieces and scissors down. She kneels on the hard floor and puts her hands on Olivia’s shoulders. She leans closer to hug her, but Olivia is stiff and unresponsive. Hana puts her arms around Olivia’s square shoulders anyway and watches part of a spider web dance behind Olivia’s head.

  Oh to be a spider web right now. An inanimate object with a temporary existence. No responsibilities, no pressure to achieve anything except holding ground for a short time for a predator and its prey. But then that’s what happened here, she thinks of the house, that man, Evee.

  “I’m gonna be sick,” Olivia shudders.

  Hana moves out of the way. Olivia bolts forward towards the toilet. Nothing comes out except more crying. Hana rubs her back, softly at first then harder, to the point where Olivia jerks away.

  “She never did anything to anyone. She is perfect. My perfect baby,” Olivia lets go and her body falls to the ground before Hana can catch her. Her right cheek is slack on the floor, her mouth is open and her eyes are wide and wet. Hana has never seen anyone look like Olivia does now, pale and without will. It scares her. It all scares her.

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know baby.” Hana kneels down and sits next to Olivia, facing her, rubbing her back, but Olivia jerks away from Hana again.

  “I want her back so bad, I want my baby back so bad.”

  “I know you do.”

  Olivia sobs into the floor. Hana gets some tissues and wipes the tears from Olivia’s cheeks. Olivia takes the tissue and sits up. She straightens her back and looks at Hana.