You know you wish you were me Read online

  Hana caught up with Carol at a granite staircase, where Carol was catching her breath. Hana heard music from the closed doors at the top of the stairs. The building was a church. She hoisted the bags up over her shoulder and started walking.

  “Hana?” Carol called after her.

  Hana turned around and saw Carol half way up the steps of the church.

  “What are you doing?” Hana asked in a stern voice that she was immediately ashamed of. She did not really know this woman and she was a very important stepping stone in having a happy future. She had to stay on her good side.

  Carol kept climbing the steps toward the door.

  “Carol!” Hana yelled in a whisper then rushed up the steps. “Carol, what are you doing?”

  “I have an appointment.”

  “But there’s church happening in there.”

  “Yes, I have an appointment to speak here today. I'm in the program.”

  “To speak? About what?”

  “Olivia and you. I thought she told you.”

  “No, she didn't. I thought you had an appointment for your knee.”

  “No, I’m speaking here, at the church.”

  “A Baptist church? I wouldn't have come with you if I knew this is what you were doing.”

  “Olivia knew.”

  And she's not here. Hana thought, looking at Carol’s hand on the door of the church, wishing she could will the handle to suddenly become hot and scare Carol out of this stupid idea.

  Carol opened the door to the church and Hana felt a little nauseous.

  She’s not in the closet. Everyone knows she is gay. But she’s no activist.

  Hana stood on the steps feeling suddenly burdened under the weight of the bags of fruit and vegetables. She was not going in the church, no matter what. Carol hadn’t asked her in anyway. She sat down and set the bags around her feet. She found an apple and started eating.

  The music had stopped and she could hear the faint sound of Carol’s voice coming from the church. What could she be saying to those people that they would listen to? She moved the bags closer to the doors of the church and, still seated, opened the door a crack. Carol was up on the stage with a microphone in her hand. Hana wondered if she brought her own microphone. Maybe she carried it around for occasions like this one. Hana looked around the room. The pews were about three quarters full. Men and women in their church clothes were sitting facing Carol. They appeared to be alert. No one was aiming guns or tomatoes at her. They seemed to be listening.

  “My daughter was very young when she told me she didn’t want to marry a man. She was 11. That is very young for any girl to be thinking about marriage, don’t you think? Anyway, it wasn’t something I took very seriously at the time. But later, when she was a little older and her friends started dating boys, I asked her if she was interested in anyone, you know, to date. She told me she was in love with a classmate. But she was dating a stupid boy, those were her words, not mine. And that was it. There was nothing weird about it. I saw in her face the affection she had for the young woman and I respected that affection and my daughter’s emotions. Not everyone is going to be like each other and that is what makes the world a good place, I think. I like big strong men and my daughter likes big strong women.”

  Hana laughed.

  “At the moment my daughter is expecting her first child. I am so excited, as many of you, I’m sure were when your children were expecting and you were looking forward to being a grandparent. It’s a magical time.”

  Hana felt sadness rising in her chest. She looked up at the sky, trying to make the tears stop. But they came quickly and soon her breathing grew into sobs and she had to spit apple out and throw it to the side of the steps. She pressed her eyes into the sleeve of her jacket and tried to stop crying. Stop asking all of the questions she has repeated over the years. She was so disappointed that the loneliness had reached her here, among people who seemed to really like her, love her.

  She was angry at herself for being sad on such a cool day. On a day where someone referred to her with pride as daughter.

  Quiet clapping was coming from inside the church. She wiped her eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. She heard the door open and didn’t turn her face or body, hoping wasn’t Carol. Hoping she had a couple more minutes to pull herself together.

  But it was Carol and soon she was crying again and Carol was hugging her. Before she can stop them, some of her secrets spill onto the steps. Just a few, but the big ones. The drugs, her mom. It was all one big incomprehensible mess and she was afraid Carol would be repelled by her history.

  “Oh Hana, you’re a good person. I can tell. Nobody has the right to treat anyone like that. It’s not your fault. It’s not.”

  What if the stress of this situation convinces the little baby inside of her that the world isn’t a nice place to be and it changes its mind.

  The first time Olivia got pregnant, that’s what happened and it was devastating.

  Olivia and Hana had become very close very fast. It was like they were lab partners making a mysterious liquid fizz and bubble. This experiment, Hana believed, Olivia was not truly acknowledging. But she went along for the ride, because Olivia was such a captivating force to follow. If Olivia had said out of the blue, let’s move to Egypt, Hana would have gone.

  Instead they mixed elements together and made a baby and fell in love.

  Hana was intimidated by Olivia in the early years of their relationship. Olivia was so sure of herself, or she appeared to be. So sure of her desire to have a baby – more sure than Hana had ever been in her life. Hana had never felt strong desire. When she younger she wanted good grades because she didn’t want bad grades. She wanted to be a star athlete, a successful artist. She felt like if she wanted, actually wanted to be successful at any of those things she might not be able to be because she had never felt desire, passion for anything – except women.

  But then she met Olivia and helped her make a baby. It was the first time she was ever close to such drive. Olivia was a strong powerful force – committed to making a baby. Hana was pulled in by the current of desire that Olivia had. Pulled in to the crazy act of artificially inseminating a complete stranger when had come to the conclusion that she would probably never actually see a naked woman in real life.

  Olivia would lie in Hana’s bed and talk about why she wanted a baby. How her mom thought she was too you and made her go to counseling.

  “When she found out I was gay, she practically threw a party, but when I told her I wanted to have a baby, she flipped out. ‘Shit Mom,’ I said ‘you had me when you were eighteen, I’m twenty-one,’ I told her. ‘I can do this.’ The counseling helped me realize that I want this. I want it so much. I mean I can say now that I’ve met you there is more that I want. I was ready to make this baby on my own. Do everything, Mom would help with stuff, you know, but look at you Hana, you’re perfect.”

  “Why?” Hana asked

  “Why? Why not? Your hair. Your sweet sweetness. Your pureness. You’ve never done anything unkind in your life have you.”

  “I don’t know,” Hana thought about the fights and the urges she got sometimes, the ones she has learned to stop before they make her do something bad.

  “I don’t mean being rude or bitchy you know. Like you weren’t a bully at school. You didn’t take pleasure in hurting others. I bet you don’t even like to gossip.”

  “I like to listen.”

  Olivia laughed softly at first. Then it got louder and she hugged Hana.

  “What’s so funny?” Hana was laughing too.

  “The best thing about someone who isn’t bad at all is when they are, just a little bit. You are so beautiful. We are going to make the perfect family. Can’t you see it? You me and baby. Fuck the right wing.”

  “Fuck the right wing.” Hana said and she kissed Olivia for a long time. Breathed in her hot air. Held her tight and felt what she thought might be want, desire, passion. For Olivia, the perfect woman. Her
perfect woman.

  “I love you,” Hana said it with her eyes closed. When she opened them Olivia was smiling.

  That morning Olivia felt the cramps of the loss of the first baby. There had been 10 weeks of excitement, giddy plans and expectations. Then it was gone and with it a little bit of their hope that their experiment was a good idea. Hana was glad to be something good in Olivia’s life. At least, that’s what Olivia had said she was.

  “If I didn’t have you here I would be a lot worse.”

  But as the days passed, Hana watched Olivia crawl into her sadness. Hana tried to reach her. Tried to get through to her with jokes, fruit, all of the things she had learned that made this new love happy. Pizza with pineapple dried up next to the bed and crosswords were never attempted.

  If Olivia wasn’t staring into space, she was crying. When she cried Hana felt a little relieved. She felt like they were communicating. She could hug her and hand her tissues. When she stared, there was no access. The room felt cold and Olivia’s body was stiff, hostile.

  After a couple of days Templeton took Hana aside.

  “Are you ok?” he said, staring as he does into her face, making her wish she had a mask or a paper bag to cover her head.

  “She seems a little better today,” she tried to sound upbeat.

  “Maybe you need to take a break”

  “No, I’m fine.”

  “You need to take care of yourself.”

  “But she can’t be alone.”

  “She won’t be. Carol, me. Do you have someone you can call, go to the movies with?”

  Hana wanted to deny that she needed to get away from the stuffy sadness, but she couldn’t. She needed a break. For two months her life had been chaotic. She had moved in with Olivia to a house far away from anyone she knew and every moment since had been dominated by Olivia and the baby.

  She called Manny. She hadn’t spoken to him since her last day of work when he had just turned around and said bye to her, that’s it, bye.

  On the phone he said he wanted to pick her up and see the house. She told him it wasn’t a good time. He persisted and asked for the address and made Hana uncomfortable. Olivia had never met Manny and Hana didn’t really want her to, especially not when she was so vulnerable.

  She arranged to meet him at the gas station a couple blocks from the house. The next day he pulled up in his wreck of a car with the same dirty sheet covering the front seat, leaned over and opened the door from the inside.

  Hana looked at his face. He didn’t look happy to see her. She thought about telling him to forget about it, just let him drive off and never see him again, then go to a movie, something funny to get her mind off things. But ditching him would just cause her more guilt and it was only going to be a couple hours at the most. She owed him that.

  Carol says that even when you’re feeling like shit, putting a smile on your face will make you feel better, for a short time anyway. She stood up straight, so she was looking over the roof of the car where he couldn’t see her face and she opened her mouth into a big smile.

  She got into the car and said hi in a chirpy voice. He said hey back and pulled out of the gas station. Her smile flattened as they faced forward, watching the road. Acting happy wasn’t going to rub off on him.

  The smell of the car and of him reminded her of what she had left behind not so long before. Baking, drinking, listening to his miserable and boring stories. How desperate she was, she thought.

  He said he wanted to drive by the house and have a look and, again, she said it wasn’t a good time. He didn’t say anything for a while. She gave him directions to the beach and pointed out the few landmarks she had learned so far. Olivia’s favorite bagel shop. Carol’s apartment building. The driveway where a gang and then the police beat a teenage boy to death. The fairgrounds where the county fair was in full swing.

  She looked at the ferris wheel, bland and lifeless in the daylight. She and Olivia had planned to go, but then plans changed.

  She pretended to look out the windshield, but she was looking at Manny’s arms on the steering wheel. It had only been a couple of months since she’d seen him, but his arms looked different. They were thinner and his skin looked like it was grey underneath.

  They drove down to the beach and parked. It was the middle of the day and there was nobody around. She knew what was coming next. Sure enough, he brought out the coke in a little plastic baggie. There would be no conversation without that stuff.

  She took some when he offered it. It wasn’t what a responsible person would do, but she had been through a lot lately, she thought.

  “The new bread guy they got is a prick. He’s not going to last long,” Manny said, looking out at the ocean in front of them.

  Hana’s mind moved quickly. She decided that if she talked less at home and did the housework twice as fast, she’d have more time to spend with Olivia and things would be OK very soon. They would try for another baby and everything would be OK. If she didn’t spend so much time worrying about everything, because there wasn’t really anything to worry about… Olivia would get pregnant again and then she would be happy again and life would be good again...

  “Hey, you high or something?” Manny was staring at her. His face was close. He was almost smiling. She flinched away from him.

  She could see all of the pores, and the thick dark hairs growing out of his face. She wanted to touch his cheek. Feel the roughness of him. Make sure she hadn’t imagined that she had felt it before.

  She thought they should get out of the car. Breath fresh air. Take a walk. She turned away from him and reached for the door. Manny’s big hand grabbed her arm and turned her body around to face front again. She shook her arm to get out of his grip. He grabbed her other arm and pinned her to the seat.

  His face was even closer to hers then and his breath was hot on her eyes. She wanted to close them, but knew she shouldn’t. She watched as his face went from hard to soft. Then he smiled and laughed as he released his grip on her and returned to his side of the front seat.

  “Scared you,” he laughed harder.

  “I was one second away from smashing your balls, motherfucker,” Hana’s voice shook.

  “Whoa, tough chick. Motherfucker,” he mimicked.

  Hana rolled down the window and put her right arm outside of the car. Her skin burned where he held her. His grip had been tight. She was angry. In all the time they had spent together, he’d never done anything like this. He had seemed desperate many times, but never violent.

  She had believed him all those times he said violence was a part of his past.

  “You like this place?” he asked casually as if he hadn’t just hurt her.

  She was silent. Her face was hot, but she tried to calm down. If she remained angry at him she would have no one.

  “I don’t know,” she said finally, trying to maintain an even tone to her voice.

  They sat there for a long time without saying anything. The sound of the waves grew louder. In Hana’s head she was hating him. Over and over she thought about how she had wanted to poke his eyes out. How she didn’t trust him and resented him because she didn’t have anyone else and maybe he knew that. Then she tried again to let it go. She thought of Olivia. She thought she should buy her a gift, but she had no idea what to get her. What could someone whose lifelong dream has just died, want?

  “I thought you wanted me to come get you,” Manny said. His voice was quiet and Hana almost asked him to say it again, but then she realized she had heard what he said.

  She looked at him. He was facing straight ahead, maybe at the water or maybe just not at her. She looked ahead as well. The waves were big and they broke hard onto the shore. There were no surfers, no people anywhere.

  “What do you mean?” she asked.

  “I thought you had come to your fuckin senses and realized this isn’t real,” Manny said looking at her this time.

  Hana almost laughed, but stopped herself. She nodded her head �
�This is real.”

  “How do you know? You don’t know. Why did you call me?”

  “I haven’t heard from you. She lost the baby, I needed to get out of the house.”

  “I come all the way up here so you can get out of the house? Why the fuck would I do that?”

  “Because we’re friends, I thought. Aren’t we?”

  “I don’t have any friends.”

  “What is your problem?”

  “I don’t have a problem. You have a problem. You’re the one living in a dream world. You think you’ll be happy here? You think you’re just going to magically fit it? You won’t because you’re not like these people,” he yelled. She had never heard him yell before. Color was returning to his skin.

  “You’re talking about yourself. You are always talking about yourself.”

  “Bullshit,” he said more quietly.

  “It’s true. You don’t know shit about me and I know every sad story about you. All the bitches who done you wrong. How your life has been so unfair. All those days you talked and talked, when all I wanted to do was sleep. You didn’t even notice, you just kept talking. You’re oblivious to other people and the only reason you’re here is because you don’t have anyone else…” Hana stopped there. She had said more than she should have. She didn’t want to hurt him.

  “Fuck you,” he said, still staring ahead.

  “You’re just pissed off because I have a life now, a good life,” Hana said.

  “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. You don’t have a life. Look what happens when there is no baby, you get kicked out.”

  “She didn’t kick me out…”

  “You ever think the baby died because it’s not right. What you’re doing? You called me because you want out don’t you? This is where you want to be. With me.” His hand was on his chest and he looked afraid.

  Hana stared at him. He was on edge and she wasn’t sure which way he would tip. She looked away, to her right, out the window and reached for the door handle.

  “I’m sorry Manny,” she said as she turned the handle. As she opened the door, he turned the car on and quickly put it in reverse. She was thrown back into the seat as the car accelerated.