You know you wish you were me Read online

  “Happens to the best of us, sweetheart,” he cooed to the cheese.

  Hana laughed and sat on the floor next to the table and poured the coffee.

  “Don’t expect that to be anything like the France bakery, I buy the plain wrap grounds and just dress it up in that fancy thing.”

  “I’m sure it will be nice,” Hana said, handing him a mug.

  “Who was that guy here earlier?”

  Hana doesn’t answer right away. Had Templeton been watching her apartment all day? What was she going to say anyway? That’s Manny, we hang out a lot and I take drugs with him because I’m a loser.

  “I like the tattoos,” he raised his eyebrows and took another sip of coffee.

  “He works at the bakery.”

  “You guys friends?”

  “Yeah,” Hana said, then took a bite of bread. Maybe he knew stuff about her. Things that he would tell Olivia. Things that might make Olivia think she was not stable. The truth was that she was not very stable. Sometimes she looked for fights with strangers and took drugs with a guy who had a dead wife.

  She chewed her bread and kept her mouth shut. Maybe he sensed that it was a no-go conversation area because he launched into the topic that bound them together and he seemed nervous all of a sudden.

  “Thanks for helping Olivia. To be totally honest, she was really worried she’d have to do this all by herself. Wouldn’t be easy. Kind of sad to have to do that all alone, don’t you think?”

  Hana nodded as he fidgeted and little bits of bread flew around him.

  “She’s young but she’s a good person. Full of life. You can tell that can’t you? I think she and I were brother and sister, in a past life, or sisters. It’s so funny, I’ve always gotten along so well with younger people. I mean I never thought I’d meet such a good friend, maybe the mother of my child, teaching high school, but she’s got this thing. You can feel it, I’m sure. She draws you to her. She knows what she wants and she usually gets it,” he paused as he placed another wedge of cheese onto a piece of bread and took a bite. “I am a pig.”

  Hana smiled and held her breath willing him to get to the point.

  “Sometimes she is childish but I don’t think she is a hundred percent aware of her behavior. She’s young. Whatever. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know. What I mean is sometimes she gets this tunnel vision and everyone and everything can just get the hell out of the way. I’m not criticizing, you understand, she’s my favorite person in the world, my best friend. But sometimes I need to take a break from her. She knows this. I’ve told her. Better you hear this from me.”

  “Why?” was all Hana could say.

  “Why? Well, she likes you dummy. You might be what she wants now, along with this baby of course.”

  “You think she likes me?” Hana looked at Templeton and then down at her coffee. Her head was spinning.

  “Oh my God, I know she does.”

  Hana had always liked gay men, at least the ones she had spent time with. There was something reassuring about their ability to see sex and relationships as a normal part of life. Even in those high-risk years, sex was everywhere she looked, but nowhere she stood.

  For her, sex and relationships were all consuming and as precious as breath. Templeton’s light and airy tone when he said Olivia liked her showed how little he knew her world of involuntary celibacy and about how much she liked Olivia.

  If she had been given the chance to script this scene in her life, Hana would have had Templeton sit her down and tell her this news with as much seriousness and pain as he would if he were telling her that Olivia had died a slow and torturous death in a dark and lonely room. This is how she imagined falling in love would be for her. Heavy, hard and quick. In love, lose love. Stay in pain.

  This reality that was happening felt nice. It was not intrusive, ugly or painful. It gave her faith as well that she hadn’t been as transparent as she thought the past couple of days and, maybe she hadn’t been acting like a total idiot in Olivia’s presence.

  “Do you have any sugar?”

  Hana nodded and went to the kitchen. She tried to imagine what kind of baby Templeton and Olivia would create together. He had a small pointy head and, even though he seemed young, mid-thirties at the most, he was losing his hair. His ears were big, but nothing else was very striking. He wasn’t particularly handsome. More Keith Haring than Rock Hudson, but not ugly at all.

  He seemed to be partial to tank tops, which weren’t the most attractive choice of clothing for a man with skinny arms and a mass of hair on his back and his chest. It was summer and Olivia didn’t seem to care how he dressed or what he looked like. She loved him. Hana was happy to spend time alone with him, getting to know him, and getting some more background on Olivia, as it turned out.

  “Has she had many other girlfriends?” Hana asked quickly as she put the sugar on the table.

  “Girlfriends? No. Flings? Oh yeah. And you could see why. She’s gorgeous, flirty, funny, smart. When we go out she is always very popular, especially with the older butches. They think she’s pretty feisty – which she is.”

  “Oh.”

  “Don’t worry, she’s totally available and I think, no I know, you are someone she could get serious with if you are interested.” He said the last word in a sing song voice and elongated it in such a way that made Hana nervous and excited at the same time.

  “She doesn’t know me.” Hana said.

  “Sometimes you just know these things Hana. Plus, a lot of relationships start with one night stands.”

  “We haven’t had sex,” Hana was surprised at her prude voice.

  “I know” he said.

  “Well, why did you say that about one night stands?”

  “Because it’s true.”

  Hana smiled and shook her head. She understood why Olivia and Templeton were such good friends. Strange jokes and riddles were part of how they communicated. This worried her slightly but then she thought about all the other stuff he had said. All the stuff about Olivia being interested in having a serious relationship with her.

  Templeton brought his face close to Hana’s. She could smell coffee and banana. She felt a little uncomfortable. Was he going to kiss her? He put both hands on her shoulders.

  “I know you two will be good together and when there are three of you, nothing will get in the way of your happiness.”

  “Are you stoned?”

  “I’m serious. I’m not the dad type. You seem to be, so that’s why I think you should show her, you know, you’re interested.”

  “Ok, Ok. Thank you, I will think about it.”

  Templeton pulled her into a satiny, BO hug.

  “I can see the future, Hana. It’s all rosy.”

  If Hana’s head hadn’t been wedged in between Templeton’s head and bony shoulder, she would have shook it in disbelief. It was 1987 and everyone thought they could see the future.

  After Templeton left, Hana took a long shower and then climbed into bed. She hadn’t slept a full night’s sleep for several days and she had to be up early for work. She was trying hard to relax, wrapping herself in her blankets, bringing her knees to her chest and breathing deeply, but her body would not let go. Templeton’s words, his assurance that she and Olivia should be together, made her uncomfortable. Is that how these things happen? Doesn’t it take away some of the magic to go into something as special as a love affair, with the help of a third party?

  After three weeks, Hana couldn’t take it anymore and as she stood outside of Templeton’s apartment door staring at its old dark wood, all she could think was that she was going to make a big mistake. Either way, this was a mistake.

  She imagined a lawyer standing behind her.

  Is it not true that you have planned this, to knock when you hear Olivia’s voice? Hear it through the door, on which you have placed your ear, almost every time you have walked past since meeting her?

  “I just found myself here, thinking, wow, wouldn’t it be nice to see tho
se two again. What a surprise.”

  Hana looked around making sure there was no one to hear her internal cross examination. Through the door she heard Olivia’s voice, zig zagging at a rapid pace. Then the laugh, snorting and climbing higher. She knocked hoping they wouldn’t hear over their jubilation.

  No luck. Templeton answered the door in that way Hana has always imagined people with rich social lives do. His left hand was holding the doorknob, but his body and face were still focused on Olivia. He was so engrossed in their witty banter that he hadn’t had the time or inclination to turn his head to face whoever it was at the door. Hana – who checked her mailbox at least two times a day, even after the mail had been delivered, just in case a secret admirer left something for her – could only imagine a life where the person on the couch is more interesting than the surprise at the door.

  “Hana,” the friends screamed at the same time. Hana was immediately self conscious with the two of them staring at her and fixed her eyes on the ground in front of her toes and said hi to her chest. Then she was enveloped in a hug by Templeton and then pounced on by Olivia. She could smell the stale scent of smoked weed.

  The two pulled away from Hana and stared at her. They were really stoned. With grins so wide that the insides of their cheeks were showing.

  “You guys are having a good time.”

  “Come in come in,” Templeton sung. “Make yourself at home.”

  Hana looked around the room. There were pieces of brown wrapping paper hanging from every vertical space in the studio, with sketches of flowers and naked men holding a variety of gardening tools. There was a kitchen counter covered with dirty dishes stacked neatly and a hot plate. Hana saw the bottom of a garbage can poking out from under a floral tablecloth. On top there was a massive fruit bowl filled with red apples, oranges, grapes and a pine cone. The windows were high and dirty and supplied the only light in the room. The view was mostly of the brick building next door. There was a creaking noise and Hana turned and watched Templeton climb up a wooden ladder to a loft enclosed with red velvet curtains.

  “I’m going to have a little nap. OK,” he said in a low, mischievous voice.

  “Nighty night,” Olivia whispered back.

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” Olivia said as she guided Hana to the couch. “I’ve been meaning to get in touch, but you know, busy busy busy busy busy...”

  “Have you found out, I mean are you…?”

  “Pregnant? Nope, got my period the next day, actually. So my timing was really off,” she said.

  “Oh, sorry.”

  “I am really glad you’re here, because we’re trying again.” Olivia gritted her teeth and opened her mouth in a mock smile and shook her head from side to side like jack in the box on a spring.

  “What are you doing?” Hana asked after a few awkward seconds of watching Olivia’s veins grow. “Olivia, do you want me to help you again?”

  “Yes.” Olivia pushed through her teeth. “It’s weird, fucking weird, but I don’t trust anyone else.”

  “Why do you trust me?”

  Olivia stopped the shaking. “I don’t know. You seem trust worthy, worthy of my trust anyway. Don’t care much about what everyone else says about you.”

  Hana’s stomach dropped. “What?”

  “You know, everyone I’ve talked to about you…” Olivia couldn’t keep a straight face and started laughing.

  “You are really stoned.”

  “You’re gullible. You looked so scared. Do you have skeletons in your freezer?”

  “I don’t have a freezer.”

  Olivia softened. “Oh, shit. Maybe humor at the expense of you isn’t so funny.”

  Olivia she put her hand on top of Hana’s hand.

  Hana liked the feeling. Olivia’s hand was warm and soft. She had been dreaming of another moment like this for weeks, albeit without the guy up in the loft and the glassy eyes. The sound of her heart beating was getting louder. She turned her head to find something safe to look at, the window, the Adonis with the pitchfork.

  “Hana, I like you.”

  Hana smiled and laughed softly. Olivia squeezed hard.

  “Ow,” Hana pulled her hand away.

  “You like me, too.”

  Hana hissed, imitating Manny’s response. “I don’t know why,” she said smiling. Olivia wrapped her arms around Hana’s shoulders tightly. Olivia’s hair tickled at Hana’s nose, she jerked her head from side to side trying to push the hair away from her face. Her arms were pinned to her side.

  “You’re holding me too tight.”

  “We like each other, fuck, can’t you just accept that this is nice?”

  “If I was comfortable, maybe.”

  Olivia let go, sat back away from Hana and put her arms out to her sides. “OK, you show me how you want to hug.”

  Hana heard Templeton moving around in the loft and looked up, but despite her fear, Templeton was not watching, unless he had some secret hole he was looking through. Hana wouldn’t put it past these two. Luring her in here, embarrassing her with jokes and emotional humiliation.

  Hana took a deep breath and scooted herself closer to Olivia. She looked at the curve of Olivia’s waist. She wanted to wrap her arms around her waist and rest her head on Olivia’s chest, but she decided that was not a good first hug. She would try that one later. She stared at Olivia’s arms and her chest. She didn’t know where she should put her arms. Should she go high and hug her shoulders, or low and wrap herself around Olivia’s chest? She had never thought about a hug in so much detail before. They just happen. Like at the front door. Suddenly Templeton had put his arms around her and she wanted to reciprocate, but got as far as tapping him on the back lightly before Olivia joined in.

  That was not the kind of hug she was interested in giving Olivia then. She wanted to give Olivia the most amazing hug. A hug so meaningful that Olivia would never need to be hugged by anyone else. A hug that they will talk about for years to come. A hug so magnificent that when Olivia tells anyone about it, they look at her with awe and envy. A hug that people will talk about at parties. A hug that will make Hana a sought after partner. Women would line up at the front of her apartment building for the chance of a hug. Her hugs would be addictive.

  Hana wanted Olivia to tingle from her hug. She wanted to warm Olivia on the inside out and make her crave hugs when they were apart.

  “Hug me dammit, my arms hurt,” Olivia said with a big smile and a wink.

  Hana stopped thinking about the hug, about Templeton in the loft and the hygiene issues raised by the proximity of the bowl of fruit to the garbage can. She placed her hands on the sides of Olivia’s waist. It was a nice fit. Slowly and smoothly she moved them to the small of Olivia’s back as she leaned in and made contact with the warmth of her body. Now chest to chest, her hands made their way up Olivia’s ribs on either side of her spine and stopped at her shoulder blades. Then she squeezed, lightly and took a deep breath with her head resting lightly on Olivia’s shoulder. They both relaxed and hugged and breathed.

  “Ok, I’ll help you,” Hana said quietly.

  “Yay,” Olivia whispered.

  “Would you like to maybe have dinner first?”

  “Like a date?” Olivia pulled away and smiled at Hana, still holding her arms.

  “Just like a date – except with sperm.”

  Months later, Olivia and Hana were officially together, officially pregnant and sitting at their kitchen table, in their very own home. The fog was thick outside and they were drinking strong black tea.

  “I think you should be called okesan,” Olivia said, out of the blue.

  “What’s that?” Hana had said, not sure she had understood.

  “Oak asan. Okasan, it means mother in Japanese. I’m not sure I’m saying it right,” Olivia was smiling.

  “Oh,” Hana said and took another sip of tea. Hana knew the word, but hadn’t heard it in a long time. She used to say it over and over again to herself. She was in high s
chool and at night she would listen to Japanese language tapes in bed. Okaasan. Okaaaasan. The middle part of the word is like the sound her doctor told her to make when he was holding her tongue down with one of those extra large popsicle sticks. Hana hadn’t thought of the child calling her okaasan. She would have been happy with Hana.

  “Or not, I mean it was just an idea,” Olivia said.

  “Where did you find that word?”

  “I went to the library and looked it up.”

  “You did?” Hana smiled.

  “Yes, I’m very resourceful,”

  Hana was touched that Olivia went to the library just to find the word. She also felt the sad thoughts surfacing. The irritating ones that come up whenever something remotely Japanese confronts her. So she held her hand out and wove her fingers in with Olivia’s and looked into her eyes.

  “That’s very cool that you looked that word up,” Hana said and she meant it. No one in her life has ever paid much attention to the fact that she was Japanese. She had tried to learn the language, but it hadn’t been easy on her own. She had done a lot of reading about the internment and Japanese history in the US, but it made her angry. She wanted people to tell her these things. She wanted her family to teach her about herself.

  “I’ll think about it,” Hana said and kissed Olivia softly. Then put her hand on Olivia’s growing belly.

  Hana has tried hard not to resent Olivia for having a mostly normal childhood, and for not understanding the pain that Hana carries reluctantly, each day.

  Carol made sure Olivia was taken care of. She was a mother and stepped into the role of father when Olivia’s decided he liked making children so much that he went off and did it again with a couple of other women. Olivia never had the urge to run away from her mother. They were a team and Olivia has fond memories of her younger years. Unlike Hana, she has parents and siblings. She has no dark days to linger in.

  Hana dark days started early, from about 13. She had already stopped believing in anything magical. Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and true love were all myths. She was certain that she was destined to live a celibate life. She contemplated becoming a nun, not because of her love of Christ, but because of her infatuation with women. She had heard a lot of lesbians were or a lot of nuns had become lesbians. She was hoping to find one who sat somewhere on that continuum so they could live happily ever after in the dark corners of some convent.