You know you wish you were me Read online

  As she pulls onto the highway heading east, she grips the steering wheel tight. She knows it’s wrong, but she is excited by the whole situation. Of course the thought of this girl’s family being scared out of their heads doesn’t make her feel good, so she tries not to think about them. Instead she thinks about how she is doing something covert right now, something illegal, but she is the good guy and the bad guy at the same time.

  She has never done anything very illegal before. She has run red lights and driven after a few too many drinks and there was a time when she experimented with marijuana with Dale and his sister who was visiting from up north. It would have been rude to refuse her, she grew the marijuana and Vivian decided that if she had had another job, like an Avon lady, she would try her product, and this was basically the same thing. She has manners.

  This is very illegal, but she is no criminal.

  She watches her speed, this stretch of the highway is popular with police looking to make their quota. If she were to be stopped, the cop would notice Evee and if he had been paying attention at the briefing at the beginning of his shift, he would recognize the little girl form the photos they showed him. If he was attentive he would notice that Vivian is acting odd, anxious. He would tell her he would be right back and she would watch him in her rear view mirror as he walked confidently back to his squad car to radio headquarters about the missing girl. She can see all of this because she has seen it on TV so many times. Strong confident police officers have good instincts and the one who stops her would have doubts about his job. Just before he stops her, he will be bored. He will be dreading the rest of the day, a long shift of stopping speeders who would rather spit in his face than hand over their drivers licenses.

  Finding the girl would give him satisfaction. The same satisfaction it has given her to take care of Evee. She hasn’t hurt her. She wants only to take care of her.

  She would watch the cop walk back toward her car and just as he is close to her window she would speed away. There are malls around here that she could drive to. She would leave the girl in the car, in the parking lot, no doubt about it. Nothing is worth getting caught. She would be OK. She could find her way home.

  Vivian is going seventy when she looks back at the speedometer. She releases her foot from the accelerator. Her heart speeds up as she looks in the rear view mirror and out the windows for police cars. There aren’t any around.

  If she had been able to choose the type of TV drama her life would turn into, this wouldn’t be the one. She would have liked a love story. Her love story, the one she had with Dale. She would have liked it to continue. She would sit through a thousand commercials if she could have Dale back.

  At least she won’t be in front of the TV tonight. She won’t fall asleep upright with the remote in her lap and an ache in her neck.

  This is how her life has been for years. No friends coming by to have lunch. No messages on the answering machine. The only phone calls she gets are from telemarketers.

  Usually she hangs up, but there was one girl last week. She sounded so much like her daughter. She is embarrassed now as she thinks about how much she needed to talk to her.

  “Hello is Vivian Chase there?”

  “Yes, this is Vivian.”

  “Hello, how are you this evening? Is it all right if I refer to you as Vivian, Mrs. Chase? I’m calling you today from Atlantic Star Cable. Have you heard of Atlantic Star Cable, Vivian?”

  Each time the woman spoke, Vivian could hear the voices of what sounded like dozens of other people having similar conversations. When the woman finished her sentences the line went quiet.

  “Where are you calling from?”

  “Uh, I’m calling on behalf of Atlantic Star Cable.”

  “No, I mean where are you?”

  “I’m calling you this evening regarding your current cable service. May I ask, do you currently have cable service, Vivian?”

  “Sorry, I’m not sure I’ve heard of the company.”

  The line is quiet and Vivian imagined the woman trying to find the right script. “Atlantic Star Cable is America’s…” Vivian listened to the other voices on the line as the girl spoke. She imagined the heads of the people in the room nodding and tilting. Dozens of people talking to dozens of other people at that very moment. Fingers pushing buttons, making their way down lists of names and phone numbers. Styrofoam coffee cups with lipstick stains and teeth marks.

  She thought about the woman at the hospice and how they have tea breaks twice a day. She is always invited, but doesn’t join in. She did, twice, but each time they talked about their families and their adorable grandchildren. She didn’t say anything and they didn’t ask. What would she have said anyway? Everything in her life has turned to shit and now her only form of companionship is her fucked-up grandson and the television. The place is already depressing enough, she doesn’t need to share.

  “Which company currently provides your cable service, Vivian?”

  “Uh, Fortune Cable.”

  “OK, thank you.” The woman’s ‘you’ trailed off slowly.

  “How many people are in that room with you?” Vivian asked and a strong sense of sadness overcame her at the thought of people together in a room, laughing, talking.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Do you like your job?”

  “Um, I’m not really supposed to talk about myself?”

  “That’s funny. That’s usually why people call other people, to talk about themselves.” She heard a small laugh over a burst of chatter. She had the urge to tell this woman about her life, to tell her the story of how she became so lonely and sad. About Dale dying without any warning and her failure as a mother and now grandmother. Instead she hung the phone up and poured herself a drink.

  She looks in the rear view mirror now and is startled to see Evee staring back at her. Vivian scrunches her nose in what she would like to think of as a peace offering. She tries to read the child’s expression, but she just looks tired.

  “You hungry?”

  Evee nods slowly, turning her head back to the outside world.

  “You like McDonald’s?” She looks quickly back at Vivian in the mirror and nods a little faster. Vivian is grateful for the little success. “Good. What would you like to eat?”

  “Happy meal.”

  “Perfect.” She drives another ten minutes before she sees a McDonald’s, pulls into the drive through.

  “How about a chocolate sundae?”

  Another quick nod from the back seat. This is the way it’s going to be, she thinks. Just fine. She places her order into the electronic sign and turns her body to face Evee. Her hands are sweating now as she realizes the person at the drive through will be able to see inside the car. What if there is a newspaper in the staff room of the McDonald’s, opened to the page with Evee’s photo on it.

  “Can you do me a favor and put that hat back on, please?” Evee puts the cap on. Vivian is thankful that the girl’s hair is messy and blocking part of her face. She drives up to the window to pay. Her breathing is shallow and quick, but the guy doesn’t even look into the backseat. She pulls away and hands Evee the food.

  “You should eat the ice cream first. Don’t let it melt.”

  “First,” She says excitedly as she searches through her bag of food. “I got the Apple Man Fruit Fella.”

  “Wow, you’re lucky.”

  “Molly has all the Fruit Fellas except Apple Man. I never get McDonald’s.”

  “Well, then it’s extra special.” Vivian makes a U-turn and heads back to the highway.

  “Where are we going?”

  “Where do you want to go?”

  “To see my mom and okaasan.”

  Vivian is not sure what she said after mom. “OK, then that’s where we’ll go.”

  “Really?”

  “Yep. Eat your food.”

  She watches her in the mirror, relieved that the food is preoccupying Evee.

  “Taste good?” She gets a nod.r />
  Food was always her secret weapon with Jay as well. McDonald’s, Twinkies, M&M’s. Something about the chemicals they use must numb children’s brains in some way. For the short term anyway. Anything that works is preferable to a child that won’t shut up or behave. That’s what those child rearing books don’t tell new parents. It’s what every struggling mother learns. Anything that works is OK.

  Once, when Jay was 10 and bouncing off the walls, she gave him a couple shots of Malibu mixed in some warm milk. It was not long after Dale passed away and she couldn’t handle Jay’s incessant jumping and flailing around the house – a regular bedtime activity. She sent him to his bedroom and told him if he was in bed in his jammies she’d bring him a treat. She made herself a Malibu and ginger ale, put a couple Oreos on a plate and made Jay’s concoction, which did the trick. But that was just once. Three years later he discovered the Mountain Dew and Vivian decided it was worth the money to get the garage sound proofed and she moved him out there.

  She hears crying, looks in the rear view mirror to see Evee sobbing. Her mouth is open and there is chocolate sauce on her cheeks.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I want okaasan”

  “You’ll be home soon.”

  “That man was scary.”

  “Yes, yes he was. But he’s not a bad man, he just made a bad mistake.”

  ******

  THIRTEEN

  Olivia hasn’t smoked since she was in high school. From what she’s told Hana, she used to sit on the old picnic table in her mom’s backyard and stare that the tops of the trees next door. She said it helped her think. At the time she was considering telling her mom she was gay and planning her escape if it turned out Carol was not as liberal as she seemed to be.

  She was also thinking about having a baby. The two things didn’t go together so well, but she was young and anything was possible. Hana has never understood how Olivia could want a baby at sixteen or how Olivia wanted to be a mother since she was a young child herself. When Hana was 16 she couldn’t wait to be on her own, if Olivia hadn’t come along, she would still be on her own. She is so glad Olivia came along and that Olivia didn’t have a baby without her.

  Hana watches her from the kitchen window now. She is so beautiful. Hana watches her bring the cigarette to her lips and inhale. She could be smoking for an ad, if there were still ads for smoking. Maybe a movie. She looks like the sexy academic who no one would suspect of being a smoker, but she is and she loves it.

  Maybe she is planning her escape again, Hana thinks. It’s the same backyard, the same view. The situation is vastly different, but she is still Olivia.

  Jackson gave Olivia that whole pack when she asked if she could have one. It’s his way, Templeton says. He’s a pleaser that’s why he likes him. Templeton has become accustomed to a life of leisure.

  “Hana, where’s Olivia?” Templeton runs in from the living room and sees Olivia outside. “Olivia, the police want to talk to you guys.”

  Olivia’s smoky scent leads the three of them to the living room, ready again for news, any news. Another cop is standing in front of them now. Hana hasn’t spoken to this one yet. She grabs Olivia’s hand, it is cold and she can’t tell if she is shaking, or if it is Olivia.

  “We have taken a young man into custody,” the cop says.

  “Did you find Evee?” Hana says quickly, squeezing Olivia’s hand.

  “No, we haven’t. We have found hair and a red boot matching your daughter’s in the trunk of this man’s car.”

  “Have you asked him where she is? What did he do with her?” Olivia is screaming as much as she can with her weak voice. Templeton holds her tight.

  Hana realizes that this is it. The look on the cop’s face. The factoids she read in the pamphlet about missing children that offered nothing close to reassurance. After three hours, it said, it is unlikely that an abducted child will be found alive.

  It’s been three days.

  Olivia’s cries are coming from behind Hana now. She is running out the back door. Templeton follows her and Hana realizes she is screaming because Evee is probably dead. That hadn’t been true a minute ago, but now it is. A young man, traces of Evee, but nothing else.

  “Have you found anything, have you asked him what he did with her?” Jackson asks. Hana hadn’t realized he was standing next to her.

  “No, we haven’t. He is in custody, so we are hoping to get something out of him soon. We will let you know if we find anything.”

  Hana sits on the couch. Jackson follows the police officer out the front door. Hana watches as they talk in her driveway. She would like to turn herself off right now.

  ******

  FOURTEEN

  The first time Vivian and Dale visited Las Vegas, they had only been married 22 hours. She was ready for fun and so was Dale. Vegas had the reputation as a place where you could stay up all night and never get bored. You could drink as much as you wanted and no one would look at you funny. It was the place you went if you were looking for the opposite of a wholesome family vacation.

  The night they arrived, they went dancing and Dale twirled Vivian around like he’d wanted to do at their wedding, but they weren’t allowed to boogie in the courthouse. Vivian’s remembers her dress floating around her thighs, she felt like Miss America.

  “She’s my wife,” Dale yelled to the other people on the dance floor. Vivian heard cheers and whistles. She buried her head in his neck, inhaling his smoky scent. She never wanted to leave.

  The second time Vivian and Dale visited Las Vegas, Jay’s mom was seven and the only thing that could get her out of the swimming pool was playing roulette with her dad. They won $1000 together that weekend.

  The last time Vivian and Dale visited Las Vegas, Jay’s mom was 15, and pregnant as they later found out living in the drug house. She hadn’t returned Vivian’s calls and she never thanked her for the money she sent each month. Dale thought the trip would be good for them and it was. They drove the same roads Vivian is driving today and as a rule they didn’t talk about anything that made them sad.

  If Vivian was quiet for too long, Dale would either start a word association list that would eventually have them laughing so hard Vivian was afraid they’d crash or he’d pull the car over to the side of the road and do his best to seduce her. Although usually a six-hour drive, that day it took them ten hours to get Vegas.

  As Vivian drives now, with the sun high, transporting this little misplaced girl, she has moved beyond sad, so she tries her own list. Flower, cracks, dollar, chain, sick. Fuck. She misses Dale.

  The road sign tell her there is only sixty five miles to go. An hour and a half and then this will all be over . She can drive away, back to her life, her house and her own problems. She speeds up, no longer excited, no longer lying to herself, thinking that she is doing something good. If this doesn’t catch up with her soon, it will later. Evee’s family will look for her, and Jay. They aren’t just going to be satisfied with having her back, they are going to come after her. Revenge is real.

  ******

  FIFTEEN

  This is the first time she has driven to Vegas by herself. It has grown. She can’t believe how ugly it is, but beautiful at the same time. In the daylight it loses a lot of its luster. The streets go on forever flanked by drab buildings and parked cars. The massive billboards, which light up the sky in the dark, look flat and intrusive during the day. As she approaches Freemont Street, she is shocked to see that it has been closed to traffic. It’s the only way she’s ever gone. She panics a little and pulls over.

  She looks in the rear-view mirror to check on Evee, who is looking out the window.

  “Neat, huh?” she says, trying for enthusiasm.

  “My mom’s here?”

  “She will be soon.

  She gets her map out of her purse. And plans a new route. Only a few minutes to go then she will turn around and drive home. Then who knows what. Sell the house. Go on vacation. Wake up tomorrow and watc
h the happy ending on the news. She looks at Evee, who is playing with the toy.

  “Can I have that cap?” Vivian snaps and points her fingers towards the baseball cap on the floor next to Evee’s bare feet. Vivian puts it on.

  “Do you know the phone number at your mom’s house?”

  Evee does not respond

  “Do you know your phone number?” she says, sternly.

  Evee nods.

  “Listen, I’m gonna drop you off soon. Your mom’s gonna come get you, OK. Now, I want you to remember two very important things, OK? Number one, you tell whoever asks that this has all been a big mistake. The man who took you… he made a big mistake. People make mistakes. You understand? And don’t forget to tell them that nobody hurt you.”

  Vivian takes a breath and points at Evee whose face seems to be sagging under the weight of her situation. No child should look that sad. Vivian can’t wait to get rid of her.

  “Number two. OK, you give someone your phone number. You tell them your name and make them call your mom. She’s waiting for your call. She wants to talk to you,” Vivian is caught there and can’t get anymore words out. She turns her body back to the steering wheel and the road, and puts the car in drive and pulls out of the gas station.

  When Vivian and Dale visited Vegas, they always stayed at the Golden Nugget. It had been lucky for them.

  She drives slowly past the entrance now.

  “You see that building? I’m gonna stop right up here and I want you to run back and go inside as fast as you can, OK. I want you to go in there and remember those two things I told you? What were they?”

  “It’s all a mistake and my mom’s phone number.”

  “And nobody hurt you. Don’t forget that part.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “I’m going… Never mind. You just do what I told you.”

  Vivian stops the car beyond the entrance of the Golden Nugget.